Got These From The Internet

Naughty Quickies

2012-01-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

In life, never look down on anybody, unless u r getting a lovely view of the Cleavage!

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw the opportunity!

Define contraceptive pill? It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy.

Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline.
It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!

On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet U!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.

Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.
Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?

What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes? Stay out of BED for two days.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.

Doctor: Ur knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Cant u do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't

Honest Mistake

2012-01-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add an "e" at the end of a word.

"im having such a wonderful time! wish u were her"

Jokes Again

2012-01-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

A says to P: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
P says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday.

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P says to M - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
M asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
P replies - I'm gunna take her with me!

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P goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue .
He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts up , - I'm P, a rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya.
A girl jumps out and P catches her, a guy jumps and P gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and P lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up. Come on now folks, there's no point throwing down the burnt ones!!

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P says to M, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....
M says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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P & M find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
M: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
P: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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P is in the bathroom and M shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
P says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Jokes Again

2012-01-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

Signal for sex

Man marries deaf girl.
He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?"
She nods and agrees.
So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"....

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Smart

Tom ask hooker how much for sex?
She says: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa and $10 on grass.
He then hands her $50.
She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?"
He says: "NO!! 5 times on grass...."

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New drink from Malaysia

The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology. It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh. It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....

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Expiry date

A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's breast for 1/2 hour, drinks 2 drops of her milk and dies...
Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE ...

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Biology Lesson

Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.
Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.

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Government job

A guy goes to interview for a Government job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now ! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
" Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that!"

Exercise??

2011-11-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

Health Messege

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postmen would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water.. and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops.. and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise does not run nor do anything... yet lives for 450 years.

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE !!!!
Have a wonderful day!

Naughty Quickies

2011-07-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

In life, never look down on anybody, unless u are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!

Whatever you see a woman and an opportunity, dont screw the opportunity.

Define contraceptive pills?
It is the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Man tease his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude, how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband : Not bad, after the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...

The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentences them to 'Hang till death'.

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day, a headline reads "Team to play without Dicks"
The team manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline.
It reads "Team to play with Dicks out"

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job!!

On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady and says : Pleased to meet you.
Lady : Yeah, I can see that.

Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy : Dude, I found a condom on the balcony.
Four year old boy : What's a balcony?

What advice does the doctor give to a sick prostitutes?
Stay out of bed for two days.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "my handsshake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him, "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shakes so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells : That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband : Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife : Because I thought he was you, until he started the second time.

Prostitute : Hi, want to have sex?
Santa : Ok, but only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute : I can do it any way. So how does she do it?
Santa : She does it for free.

Doctor : Your knees are all blistered?
Lady : Cause of the doggy style!
Doctor : Cant you do it any other style?
Lady : Oh, I can. But the dog cant!

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

2011-05-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

When things in your life seems almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some item in front of him
when the class began, wordlessly
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceed to fill it up with golf balls.

He then asked his students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shoke the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They again agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sanf and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more, if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under his table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling up any empty spaces in the jar.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, friends, health and favorite passions - that that if everthing else was lost, and only they remainded, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matters like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you out the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there will not be room for the pebbles of the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If your spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness,
play with your children
tale time to get medical checkups
take your partner out for dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand"

One of the student raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked.

"It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with your friends"

Moral of the Story

2011-05-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

The parts of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain ..... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood ..... I should be charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach ..... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs .... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes ..... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole ..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other body parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.

To prove his points, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 ..... Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 ..... Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 ..... Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 ..... Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 ..... Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 ..... The other body parts agreed to let the asshole be in charge

MORAL OF THE STORY
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE,
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE.

Bolehland

2011-03-12T21:04:00.001-08:00

A farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you givemea calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPad, connects it to his CingularRAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exportsit to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone 4 that the image has been processed and the data is stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone 4 and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno," says the farmer.

"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are,and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."

The Wedding Test

2011-02-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Present for husband

2011-01-21T20:48:00.000-08:00

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

Five Regrets of the Dying

2010-11-29T07:43:00.000-08:00

This may change how you live....

Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.

Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Facebook of The Old

2010-10-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

Jokes

2010-09-25T02:40:00.000-07:00

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.

Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings!
'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.

Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,..... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

2010-07-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test : Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Married Too Long

2010-07-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress--- are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather bras, stiletto heels, and masks for their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.

The engaged woman says:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, "you are the woman of my life. I love you". Then we made love all night long.

The mistress says:
I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word -- but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman says:
I sent the kids to my mother's house all excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came to the door and saw me and said, "What's for dinner, BATMAN

Great British Ads

2010-07-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows everything!

Joke of the Day

2010-07-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE.

What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?
All are born on government holidays...!!!

THE OLD MOTOR

2010-07-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!'

Good Bye

2010-07-13T04:49:00.000-07:00

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.

He asked "What"??????

She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died. "

Lessons Life Taught

2010-07-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 30 。
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Regina Brett

Marriage Humor

2010-05-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears...'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
_______________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
------------------------------------------

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name 'Jenny' on it that I found in your pant pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week 'Jenny' was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Happy Mothers Day

2010-05-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment or
the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

Beer Contains Female Hormones

2010-05-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

This indeed is worrisome ..

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones ( hops contains Phytoestrogens ) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

This indeed is worrisome .

A Woman Turns 50

2010-05-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds'

The Prefect Marriage

2010-05-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

RED SKELTON

WEIRD & DOUBLE MEANING SIGNS

2010-03-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER: PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD, FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

2010-02-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed,
I wrote your name in air,
it was blown away,
Then I wrote your name on my heart,
And I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza,
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi,
He saw me in dark, he created light,
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful,
The grass and flowers too,
If rain makes all things beautiful,
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo,
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too,
Not in cage but laughing at you.

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

2009-12-22T05:55:00.000-08:00

MEN!!

2009-10-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

From a feminist spinster friend.....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders . You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Wonderful English From Around The World

2009-09-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

Dont know whether credible or not but still damn funny. Thanks JLFF.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

WHO'S Phone Joke

2009-08-21T04:44:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man turns on the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New 2009 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

MAN: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Six Affairs

2009-07-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison do it's work.'

GEMS OF LIFE ( Humor with substance )

2009-07-10T06:06:00.000-07:00

# 1
If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry.

Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life!

# 2
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Think about it ....!!

#3
Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.

So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration !

#4
Don't walk as if you rule the world.

Walk as if you don't care who rules the world !

That's called a ttitude !

Keep on rocking !

# 5
Only one percent of boys have brains ; the rest have girlfriends!

Are you the brainy one ?

# 6
All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

The History of the Middle Finger & "Fuck You"

2009-06-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

This may be the most often used word in the English language, probably after the word "the". But how many of us know the origin of the words "fuck you". Culture and history are intertwined and can explain how things are the way they are today. Teenagers reading this can share the origin of "fuck you" with their parents the next time they get reprimanded for using the phrase - once you can explain the history to your parents, its not so bad. Somehow I think the story is true because I have read and heard many times before about 'giving him the bird' - which I thought was silly although that had overt nasty overtones. Now it all makes sense.
Well, now......here’s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow; and therefore, they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew!” Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labio-dentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

What A Coincidence!

2009-05-21T04:22:00.000-07:00

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for months all of my hens seemed infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Two Australian Businessmen

2009-04-11T07:09:00.001-07:00

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Chinese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Chinese accent asked 'You sell what?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well; only last two left!'

ECONOMICS : THE COW FACTOR (PART II)

2009-03-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows,
Then re-mortgage the investment the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise,
The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets,
No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cow's ...... ?
Then these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died,
You are surprised when there's No Asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ???
Finally, You ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market!

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead..
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu".

Earlier post

http://stuffsfromnet.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-09-17T06%3A40%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7

Relationship Savers

2009-02-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

Click on images for better view.

And Then The Fight Started (Again!)

2009-02-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the ‘mad cow’?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started…

-----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started…

---------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carlsberg for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started…

-------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started…

---------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy crap. That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”

The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”

And then the fight started…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching ‘ Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started…

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight started…

------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

“When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And then the fight started…

Making a Baby

2008-11-28T18:39:00.000-08:00

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat

And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

2008 Malaysian Karaoke.... 9 Finalists Results

2008-10-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

1. Mahathir's favourite song: My Way

2. Pak Lah: Dream, Dream, Dream

3. Najib: Your Cheating Heart

4. Tengku Razaleigh: I Believe I Can Fly

5. Khairy: Money, Money, Money

6. IGP: I'll Be Watching You

7. Anwar: Winds Of Change

8. Saiful: I Swear

And the winner is:-

9. Syed Hamid: Oh Carol, I'm Nothing But A Fool

Watch and Learn

2008-10-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

. . . sent to me by a woman, of course. . .

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a Clever idea; so, after the game, they deci de to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

Authority

2008-09-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on ANY agricultural land. No questions asked. Do you understand me? Have I made myself clear?"

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running toward the fence for all he was worth. Close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence, and shouted out, "Your Card! Show him your Card!"

Life Reality

2008-09-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

2008-09-17T03:23:00.000-07:00

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-p! pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25! minutes .

No wonder men are happier.

Chopping The Cherry Tree

2008-08-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped down a cherry tree in his youth. George gives the tree a good swing and chops it down with an axe .. His father sees the damaged tree and asks his son if he knows who did the deed. George is quoted bravely admitting the truth :-

'I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I did cut it with my axe.'

This is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the question :-

PM Badawi - I did not cut down the tree, I was just taking a nap underneath it.

Najib - I swear that I have never MET that tree.

Hishamuddin- ... but I only own a keris, not axe, how to cut down the tree.

Dr.M - Apa nama cherry tree, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak lah sleeping under it.

Chua Soi Lek - Yes it was me, I resign as caretaker of this orchard.

VK Lingam - It could be me, it might have been me but I don't think it’s me.

Anwar Ibrahim - I DID NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA samples for you to plant on the axe handle.

Khir Toyo - the new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.

Ahmad Said ( Terenganu MB )- I chopped it because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.

Azalina Othman - The cherry tree is not included under my tourism MOU so I cut it down. Besides there were unauthorized signboards put up around the tree.

Shabery Cheek - I challenge you to a debate on tree cutting.

Samy Velu - I chopped it because HINDRAF members were using it as a meeting point.

Ali Rustam - We have planted Durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years, we do not need cheery trees, apple trees, pear trees and all these other foreign trees.

Rais Yatim - you must see the bigger picture, Ahmad said cherry trees are expensive to maintain, Ali Rustam said that are against our national identity and I needed to test my new axe, so you see- it’s a WIN-WIN situation all around.

Sharir Samad - I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidize it.

Karpal Singh - The bigfoot creature did it.

Bung Mokhtar - The big monkey did it.

Pandikar Amin Mulia - There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry trees, Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.sit down.

Khairy Jamaluddin - I did not do it, neither did the mat rempits. By the way, what's a cherry tree?

Lim Kit Siang - In response to Khairy - cherry tree also you don't know, you are an insult to Oxford .

Nazri Aziz - racist, racist, racist, when we cut down durian trees nobody made a fuss.

Lawatan ke Kandang Lembu

2008-08-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Saya dan isteri telah pergi melawat ke satu ladang lembu dan kami berhenti di setiap kandang tempat lembu lembu di biak.

Kami sampai di kandang pertama dan ada satu papan tanda yang di letakkan yang menyatakan, LEMBU JANTAN INI TELAH MENGAWAN SEBANYAK 50 KALI TAHUN LEPAS.

Isteri saya secara jenaka mencuit saya dan dalam senyum berkata : 'Dia mengawan 50 kali tahun lepas.'

Kami kemudian pergi ke kandang kedua yang ada papan tanda berikut : ''LEMBU JANTAN INI TELAH MENGAWAN SEBANYAK 150 KALI TAHUN LEPAS '

Sekali lagi isteri saya mencuit saya dan berkata :, 'WOW~~Itu dah lebih dari dua kali seminggu..........Abang boleh belajar banyak dari dia .'

Kami berjalan pula ke kandang seterusnya dan di situ ada papan tanda dalam huruf besar yang menyatakan : 'LEMBU JANTAN INI TELAH MENGAWAN SEBANYAK 365 KALI TAHUN LEPAS'

Isteri saya menjadi girang dan mencuit saya dengan kuat dan berkata :
'Itu bermakna sekali setiap hari .... Abang MEMANG boleh belajar banyak dari lembu jantan ini " !!!

Saya pun pandang isteri saya dan berkata kepada nya,"
'Awak pergi tanya lembu jantan ini, selama 365 hari itu, adakah dengan LEMBU BETINA TUA YANG SAMA ??

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

2008-08-01T06:42:00.001-07:00

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, deodorant and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

NEW BUDGET AIRLINES RULES

2008-07-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

Budget airlines with ‘no-frills’ may come to this stage one day!

Attendant: Welcome aboard ‘Ala Carte Air’, Sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be RM5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of RM5. It's the Airline's new Policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be RM10, please.

Passenger: What?!

Attendant: The airline now charges a RM10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion! I won't stand for it!

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that RM10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to 'shoot’ me?

Attendant: No, but there's a RM50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right! Here, take the RM10. I can't believe this!

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert three 20 sen coins into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?!

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 60 sen.

Passenger: I don't have any coins. Can you make change for a ringgit?

Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only one 20 sen coin for my ringgit.

Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 20 sen.

Passenger: For crying out loud! All I have left is 20 sen? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

What they don't teach you in Business School ..........

2008-07-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $ 100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $ 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before a greeing to it and getting screwed!

ECONOMICS : THE COW FACTOR

2008-06-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM : You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your bumiputra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull and multiply your herd. The State takes 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and gives them to your bumiputra neighbour. Your bumiputra neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.

UMNOPUTRAISM : The State takes 30 per cent of your herd and parks them in Switzerland in the name of some UMNO official or close relatives, friends and sons-in-law.

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turn around the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to Japan .

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.

Very Badly Chosen Logo

2008-06-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

Recipe for Everyone

2008-06-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

How to Make Love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to fur-lined mixing b owl , working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers .
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nu ts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight though).
6. Love is complete when banana is soft.

If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

After 6 weeks....6 months....6 years

2008-05-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

Diary of a man

2008-05-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Everytime you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

6. Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

17. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

18. Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

19. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!

Great One Liners

2008-05-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
-- author unknown --

Bush And Pak Lah

2007-11-30T01:02:00.000-08:00

I got an SMS (a fictitious one I suppose) from a CIA agent who managed to pick up their conversations. Perhaps it would be of interest to us all. Of course the critical ones have to be dropped for security reasons.

As both leaders sat down at the posh Oval Office, Bush made the first move by asking Pak Lah: So how is Malaysia today?

Without much hesitation Pak Lah replied: That website is a pain in the ***. But I thought they were being funded by your people in the CIA, are you still funding them?

Bush frowned not knowing what the hell the PM was talking about, but when on to ask the next question:I am afraid I have not much time, as other leaders are waiting outside. Do you require any aid from us Mr Prime Minister?

Pak Lah smiled and confidently replied : AIDS in Malaysia is under control Mr President, we got rid of Mahathirs daughter as its head, now it OK. Please dont give us any more AIDS Mr President, please.

Bush scratched his head, not wanting to embarrass the PM he moved on : Southern Thailand is becoming very volatile a threat to peace and stability in your region. I m sure you are told of the incident in Haadyai.

Pak Lah happily replied: Oh yes Haadyai is a lovely place, heaven to some. They have lots of entertainment there. Massage parlours and .......

Immediately Bush cut him off and angrily shouted : I meant the bomb incident there Mr Prime Minister!

Pak Lah softly replied: It was not my son. Nuclear centrifuge they say was supplied by my son. No he is not into making bombs Mr President not him nor his company nor his associates.

Bush was so frustrated, and he asked: Have you got a hearing problem.

Mr Prime Minister Dollah nodded and said: I am waiting for the hearing.

Bush retorted: What hearing?

Dollah replied instantly: The one where Anwar is suing Mahathir for defamation.

With his patience almost gone Bush asked: Are you really in control Mr Prime Minsiter?

Hesitantly Pak lah replied: Yes I am with my son and son in law, we are all in control, which you dont have to worry Mr President.

To which Bush shouted: Next leader please!

Dollah stood up and shake the Presdients hand:Thank you so much for your time.

Later outside the Oval Office, TV3, Bernama, NST and all their spin doctors crowded around Dollah for a brief press conference.

A reporter questioned: How did the meeting go Pak Lah?

Pak Lah looked him in the eyes and said: Suatu perjumpaan yang sangat penting dan bermakna.

Health & Fitness - the Facts

2007-11-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember......."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! .................What a Ride!"

Office Lesson

2007-11-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need one copy."

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
************************************************

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:

"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.

"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.
*****************************************************

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"

Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"

The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
*********************************

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, " VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool
of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."

Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.
********************************************************

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.

"Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"

Lesson V - "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************

IN CASE YOU WANTED TO KNOW

2007-11-28T18:09:00.000-08:00

1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.

2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.

8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.

10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!

16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

20. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,and Budweiser, in that order.

25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.

26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

27.

28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.

31.The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".

35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".

37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.

38. European women didn't wear underwear until the 1900's.

39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.

40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines .

41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.

42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.

43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.

44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.

45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying"yes" in Sri Lanka.

46. There are more chickens than people in the world.

47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.

48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.

49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental".

50. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.

51. Beethoven poured ice water over his head before he composed.

52. In Pakistan , it's rude to show your feet.

53. 90% of those read till this line are very free.... are you?

eantautjk : Authenticity not verified

AreYou Smart?

2007-11-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

Test for smart people!

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answerthem instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately. OK?Let's find out just how clever you really are.Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If youovertake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrongagain. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Addanother 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day.

Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? No! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round:

Bonus Question:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating theaction of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself tothe shopkeeper and the purchase is done.Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

Did you know that.........

2007-11-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bedfirmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law withall the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F. U. C. K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

eantautjk: authenthicity not verified

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS

2007-11-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter? PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

TNB dan LILIN??

2007-11-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

Sepasang pengantin yang baru berkahwin 4 bulan. pada suatu malam si isteri memeluk leher suami dengan nada manja seraya berkata, "ayang, period i dah lewat sebulan, tapi i tak boleh nak pastikan lagi sebab kita kena gi check kat doktor."

Si suami yang teramat gembira tu pun berpakat dengan isterinya untuk tidak memberitahu sesiapa pun tentang perkhabaran gumbira ini sehingga ianya benar2 pasti.

Pada suatu hari, pasangan ini di datangi oleh pegawai dari TNB kerana terdapat tunggakkan dalam pembayaran bill elektrik rumah mereka. Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata "ini rumah En. Mahpus ker?" "iya, saya ni isterinya. ada apa encik"

Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata, "Puan, ni dah sebulan lewat, saya dah tak boleh tunggu ni, nanti boss saya marah."

Dengan nada terkejut, si isteri itu pun membalas balik cakap pegawai TNB tu. "APA??? Macam mana pulak encik tahu yg saya ni sebulan lewat???"

Pegawai TNB tu pun dengan selamba menjawab "ala puan, ni kan zaman IT, semua tu ada dalam komputer dan kita boleh check Online"

Kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si isteri tu lagi terkejut."APAAA????Saya lewat sebulan pun awak semua boleh tahuuu???"

Pegawai TNB tu pun mententeramkan keadaan "Relek puan, puan ni baru lewat sebulan, ada yg lagi teruk, lewat 5-6 bulan"

Si isteri yg terperanjat beruk dengan kenyataan pegawai tu pun berkata, nanti saya bincang dengan suami saya..lalu pegawai TNB tu pun beredar dari situ.Keesokkan harinya, selepas si Mahpus ini di beritahu oleh isterinya,dia pun naik berang dan terus ambik cuti dan pergi ke kedai TNB yang berdekatan..

Dengan tanpa menghiraukan pegawai-pegawai TNB yg ramai di situ, dia pun memekik seraya berkata "Apa korang ni, isteri saya sebulan lewat pun nak heboh2 ke dalam internet. awak ni semua yg berkeluarga tak pernah lewat sebulan kerrrr????!! bisness apa korang buat niii?? nak kena saman kerr???

Lalu pegawai yg datang kerumah si Mahphus ni berdiri dan mententeramkan keadaan. "sabar encik, sabar encik. apa susah, kalau cik nak settlekan perkara ni, bayar je..." kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si Mahpus naik berang. "APAAA?? nak bayar korang? belahhhh lahh...."

Lalu pegawai TNB tu pun cakap "kalau macam tu, Kita terpaksa potong encik punya..........."

Si Mahpus mencelah "apa??? potong??? abih tu isteri saya di rumah nak pakai apaaaaaa???"

Pegawai TNB tu pun cakap " nampak gayanye..ISTERI ENCIK KENA PAKAI LILIN AJERRRLAAAAAAAA...."

Men Vs Women

2007-11-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

Men
All men are extremely busy.
Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women
The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Facts of Life

2007-11-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

1 Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

2 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband.

3 I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they Wanted cash.

4 Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

5 Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you Cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

6 You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

7 My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

8 It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss -- his wife

9 Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

10 They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

Best out of Office Auto Replies

2007-11-28T17:32:00.000-08:00

Ttry using one of these the next time you are out of office

1.I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position.Be prepared for my mood.

2.You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3.I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.

4.Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for thefirst ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5.The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unableto deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6.Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system....You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 13 weeks.

7.I've run away to join a different circus.

8.I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

9.Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this emailis forwarded to the nearest police station.

10.This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...

11.How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, pleasestop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!

12.Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call atlogical memory address bank.Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problempersist, please contact your email database administrator.

13.Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volumeemail to be answered. Please try to send back later.

14.Wrong address, sorry !

15.This email is rejected due to missing stamps.

Woman

2007-11-28T17:27:00.000-08:00

sounds familiar?

(1）随便 (Whatever)

男：今天晚上咱们吃什么？ Men: What to have for dinner?
女：随便。 Women: Whatever..
男：吃火锅吧。 Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：不行，吃火锅脸上要长痘痘。Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
男：要不咱们吃川菜。Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：昨天刚吃的川菜，今天又吃 ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
男：那咱们吃海鲜去？ Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：海鲜不好，吃了拉肚子。 Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
男：那你说吃什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：随便。Women : Whatever..

(2）都行 (Anything)

男：那咱们现在到底做什么？ Men: So what should we do now?
女：都行。Women: Anything
男：看电影怎么样？很久没看电影了。 Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：电影有啥好看的，耽误时间。 Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only.
男：那打保龄球，运动运动？ Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：大热天的运什么动啊，不嫌累啊？ Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
男：那找个咖啡店坐坐，喝点水。Men: Then find a café and have drink
女：喝咖啡影响睡眠。 Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
男：那你说干什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：都行！ Women: Anything

(3）看你 (You decide)

男：那咱们干脆回家好了。Men: Then we just go home lo
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：坐公车吧，我送你。 Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
女：公车又脏又挤，算了吧。 Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
男：那就打车走。 Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女：这么近的路不划算。 Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
男：那走路好了，散散步？ Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：空着肚子散哪门子步啊？ Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
男：那你想怎么着啊？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：那就先吃饭？ Men: Let's have dinner first
女：随便。 Women: Whatever...
男：吃什么？ Men: Eat what?
女：都行 Women: Anyting（看看四下无人，杀了她...... ） (Look around... no one here, gonna kill her....)

Molly the Camel

2007-11-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

A new Army Captain was assigned to a platoon in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the platoon, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asked the Sargeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, dropped his trousers and had wild, insane XXX with the camel.

When he was done, he asked the Sergeant: "Is that how the men do it?" "No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are......... ......... ......... ......... .."

Three Minutes Management Course

2007-11-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing upher shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in atowel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, thenext-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 todrop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel andstands naked in front of Bob.After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back upin the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, herhusband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' shereplies.'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to creditand risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. Aftercontrolling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changinggears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but theflesh is weak.' riving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On hisarrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Goforth and seek - further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might missa profitable opportunity.

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Lesson 3: A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.''Me first! Me first!' says the administration clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff!She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I wantthose two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A smallrabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and donothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on theground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumpedon the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sittingvery, very high up.

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Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to getto the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull,'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, andfound it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of thetree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the secondbranch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at thetop of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out ofthe tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold thebird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lyingthere, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird laythere in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dungwas actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came toinvestigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pileof cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep your mouth shut!

Thus ends the 3-minute management course. Now go forth and succeed!!!!!

Nine Things I Hate About Everyone

2007-11-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I knowwhere my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch whenI ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room forthe T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change thechannel manually.

3.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damnright! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4.When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people dothis? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, Ipaid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, thenthere has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then theremust have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damnthing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Positive Side of Life

2007-11-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

1) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

2) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

3) Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

4) Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

5) Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

6) If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

7) You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

8) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

9) Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

10) We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

11) A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

12) Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

Lessons In Logic

2007-11-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

If your father is a poor man,it is your fate but,if your father-in-law is a poor man,it's your stupidity
I was born intelligent -education ruined me
Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak...
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a womanAnd behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
Every man should marry.After all, happiness is not the only thing inlife.
The wise never marry.and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep.
There should be a better way to start a dayThan waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody"But why take the risk.
"Work fascinates me"I can look at it for hours.
God made relatives;Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.A train station is where a train stops.On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........

Alert for Men

2007-11-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages

Smart Little Indian Boy

2007-11-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

This is a great story about a smart little Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me Death' ?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

25 Words of Wisdom

2007-11-28T17:00:00.000-08:00

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"