Thursday, February 12, 2009
And Then The Fight Started (Again!)
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the ‘mad cow’?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started…
-----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started…
---------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carlsberg for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…
-------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started…
---------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy crap. That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
And then the fight started…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching ‘ Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started…
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight started…
------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And then the fight started…
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the ‘mad cow’?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started…
-----------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started…
---------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carlsberg for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started…
-------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started…
---------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy crap. That must be my husband!”
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”
And then the fight started…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching ‘ Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started…
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And then the fight started…
------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And then the fight started…
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