I got an SMS (a fictitious one I suppose) from a CIA agent who managed to pick up their conversations. Perhaps it would be of interest to us all. Of course the critical ones have to be dropped for security reasons.
As both leaders sat down at the posh Oval Office, Bush made the first move by asking Pak Lah: So how is Malaysia today?
Without much hesitation Pak Lah replied: That website is a pain in the ***. But I thought they were being funded by your people in the CIA, are you still funding them?
Bush frowned not knowing what the hell the PM was talking about, but when on to ask the next question:I am afraid I have not much time, as other leaders are waiting outside. Do you require any aid from us Mr Prime Minister?
Pak Lah smiled and confidently replied : AIDS in Malaysia is under control Mr President, we got rid of Mahathirs daughter as its head, now it OK. Please dont give us any more AIDS Mr President, please.
Bush scratched his head, not wanting to embarrass the PM he moved on : Southern Thailand is becoming very volatile a threat to peace and stability in your region. I m sure you are told of the incident in Haadyai.
Pak Lah happily replied: Oh yes Haadyai is a lovely place, heaven to some. They have lots of entertainment there. Massage parlours and .......
Immediately Bush cut him off and angrily shouted : I meant the bomb incident there Mr Prime Minister!
Pak Lah softly replied: It was not my son. Nuclear centrifuge they say was supplied by my son. No he is not into making bombs Mr President not him nor his company nor his associates.
Bush was so frustrated, and he asked: Have you got a hearing problem.
Mr Prime Minister Dollah nodded and said: I am waiting for the hearing.
Bush retorted: What hearing?
Dollah replied instantly: The one where Anwar is suing Mahathir for defamation.
With his patience almost gone Bush asked: Are you really in control Mr Prime Minsiter?
Hesitantly Pak lah replied: Yes I am with my son and son in law, we are all in control, which you dont have to worry Mr President.
To which Bush shouted: Next leader please!
Dollah stood up and shake the Presdients hand:Thank you so much for your time.
Later outside the Oval Office, TV3, Bernama, NST and all their spin doctors crowded around Dollah for a brief press conference.
A reporter questioned: How did the meeting go Pak Lah?
Pak Lah looked him in the eyes and said: Suatu perjumpaan yang sangat penting dan bermakna.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Health & Fitness - the Facts
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember......."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! .................What a Ride!"
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember......."Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! .................What a Ride!"
Office Lesson
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
************************************************
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"
Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.
*****************************************************
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
*********************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, " VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool
of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.
********************************************************
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson V - "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
************************************************
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"
Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.
*****************************************************
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
*********************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, " VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool
of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.
********************************************************
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson V - "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************
IN CASE YOU WANTED TO KNOW
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,and Budweiser, in that order.
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31.The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
38. European women didn't wear underwear until the 1900's.
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines .
41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying"yes" in Sri Lanka.
46. There are more chickens than people in the world.
47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.
48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental".
50. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.
51. Beethoven poured ice water over his head before he composed.
52. In Pakistan , it's rude to show your feet.
53. 90% of those read till this line are very free.... are you?
eantautjk : Authenticity not verified
2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
8. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine.
10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"!
16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
20. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,and Budweiser, in that order.
25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand.
26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
27.
28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
31.The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt".
35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off".
37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
38. European women didn't wear underwear until the 1900's.
39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines .
41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.
42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying"yes" in Sri Lanka.
46. There are more chickens than people in the world.
47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog.
48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "subcontinental".
50. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.
51. Beethoven poured ice water over his head before he composed.
52. In Pakistan , it's rude to show your feet.
53. 90% of those read till this line are very free.... are you?
eantautjk : Authenticity not verified
AreYou Smart?
Test for smart people!
Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answerthem instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately. OK?Let's find out just how clever you really are.Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If youovertake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrongagain. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Addanother 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? No! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round:
Bonus Question:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating theaction of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself tothe shopkeeper and the purchase is done.Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answerthem instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately. OK?Let's find out just how clever you really are.Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If youovertake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrongagain. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Addanother 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? No! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round:
Bonus Question:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating theaction of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself tothe shopkeeper and the purchase is done.Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
Did you know that.........
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bedfirmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law withall the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F. U. C. K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
eantautjk: authenthicity not verified
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bedfirmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law withall the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F. U. C. K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
eantautjk: authenthicity not verified
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter? PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter? PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
TNB dan LILIN??
Sepasang pengantin yang baru berkahwin 4 bulan. pada suatu malam si isteri memeluk leher suami dengan nada manja seraya berkata, "ayang, period i dah lewat sebulan, tapi i tak boleh nak pastikan lagi sebab kita kena gi check kat doktor."
Si suami yang teramat gembira tu pun berpakat dengan isterinya untuk tidak memberitahu sesiapa pun tentang perkhabaran gumbira ini sehingga ianya benar2 pasti.
Pada suatu hari, pasangan ini di datangi oleh pegawai dari TNB kerana terdapat tunggakkan dalam pembayaran bill elektrik rumah mereka. Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata "ini rumah En. Mahpus ker?" "iya, saya ni isterinya. ada apa encik"
Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata, "Puan, ni dah sebulan lewat, saya dah tak boleh tunggu ni, nanti boss saya marah."
Dengan nada terkejut, si isteri itu pun membalas balik cakap pegawai TNB tu. "APA??? Macam mana pulak encik tahu yg saya ni sebulan lewat???"
Pegawai TNB tu pun dengan selamba menjawab "ala puan, ni kan zaman IT, semua tu ada dalam komputer dan kita boleh check Online"
Kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si isteri tu lagi terkejut."APAAA????Saya lewat sebulan pun awak semua boleh tahuuu???"
Pegawai TNB tu pun mententeramkan keadaan "Relek puan, puan ni baru lewat sebulan, ada yg lagi teruk, lewat 5-6 bulan"
Si isteri yg terperanjat beruk dengan kenyataan pegawai tu pun berkata, nanti saya bincang dengan suami saya..lalu pegawai TNB tu pun beredar dari situ.Keesokkan harinya, selepas si Mahpus ini di beritahu oleh isterinya,dia pun naik berang dan terus ambik cuti dan pergi ke kedai TNB yang berdekatan..
Dengan tanpa menghiraukan pegawai-pegawai TNB yg ramai di situ, dia pun memekik seraya berkata "Apa korang ni, isteri saya sebulan lewat pun nak heboh2 ke dalam internet. awak ni semua yg berkeluarga tak pernah lewat sebulan kerrrr????!! bisness apa korang buat niii?? nak kena saman kerr???
Lalu pegawai yg datang kerumah si Mahphus ni berdiri dan mententeramkan keadaan. "sabar encik, sabar encik. apa susah, kalau cik nak settlekan perkara ni, bayar je..." kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si Mahpus naik berang. "APAAA?? nak bayar korang? belahhhh lahh...."
Lalu pegawai TNB tu pun cakap "kalau macam tu, Kita terpaksa potong encik punya..........."
Si Mahpus mencelah "apa??? potong??? abih tu isteri saya di rumah nak pakai apaaaaaa???"
Pegawai TNB tu pun cakap " nampak gayanye..ISTERI ENCIK KENA PAKAI LILIN AJERRRLAAAAAAAA...."
Si suami yang teramat gembira tu pun berpakat dengan isterinya untuk tidak memberitahu sesiapa pun tentang perkhabaran gumbira ini sehingga ianya benar2 pasti.
Pada suatu hari, pasangan ini di datangi oleh pegawai dari TNB kerana terdapat tunggakkan dalam pembayaran bill elektrik rumah mereka. Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata "ini rumah En. Mahpus ker?" "iya, saya ni isterinya. ada apa encik"
Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata, "Puan, ni dah sebulan lewat, saya dah tak boleh tunggu ni, nanti boss saya marah."
Dengan nada terkejut, si isteri itu pun membalas balik cakap pegawai TNB tu. "APA??? Macam mana pulak encik tahu yg saya ni sebulan lewat???"
Pegawai TNB tu pun dengan selamba menjawab "ala puan, ni kan zaman IT, semua tu ada dalam komputer dan kita boleh check Online"
Kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si isteri tu lagi terkejut."APAAA????Saya lewat sebulan pun awak semua boleh tahuuu???"
Pegawai TNB tu pun mententeramkan keadaan "Relek puan, puan ni baru lewat sebulan, ada yg lagi teruk, lewat 5-6 bulan"
Si isteri yg terperanjat beruk dengan kenyataan pegawai tu pun berkata, nanti saya bincang dengan suami saya..lalu pegawai TNB tu pun beredar dari situ.Keesokkan harinya, selepas si Mahpus ini di beritahu oleh isterinya,dia pun naik berang dan terus ambik cuti dan pergi ke kedai TNB yang berdekatan..
Dengan tanpa menghiraukan pegawai-pegawai TNB yg ramai di situ, dia pun memekik seraya berkata "Apa korang ni, isteri saya sebulan lewat pun nak heboh2 ke dalam internet. awak ni semua yg berkeluarga tak pernah lewat sebulan kerrrr????!! bisness apa korang buat niii?? nak kena saman kerr???
Lalu pegawai yg datang kerumah si Mahphus ni berdiri dan mententeramkan keadaan. "sabar encik, sabar encik. apa susah, kalau cik nak settlekan perkara ni, bayar je..." kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si Mahpus naik berang. "APAAA?? nak bayar korang? belahhhh lahh...."
Lalu pegawai TNB tu pun cakap "kalau macam tu, Kita terpaksa potong encik punya..........."
Si Mahpus mencelah "apa??? potong??? abih tu isteri saya di rumah nak pakai apaaaaaa???"
Pegawai TNB tu pun cakap " nampak gayanye..ISTERI ENCIK KENA PAKAI LILIN AJERRRLAAAAAAAA...."
Men Vs Women
Men
All men are extremely busy.
Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women
The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
All men are extremely busy.
Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women
The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Facts of Life
1 Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
2 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband.
3 I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they Wanted cash.
4 Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
5 Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you Cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
6 You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
7 My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
8 It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss -- his wife
9 Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
10 They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
2 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband.
3 I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they Wanted cash.
4 Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
5 Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you Cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
6 You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.
7 My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
8 It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss -- his wife
9 Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
10 They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
Best out of Office Auto Replies
Ttry using one of these the next time you are out of office
1.I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position.Be prepared for my mood.
2.You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for thefirst ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unableto deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system....You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 13 weeks.
7.I've run away to join a different circus.
8.I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this emailis forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, pleasestop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call atlogical memory address bank.Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problempersist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volumeemail to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.Wrong address, sorry !
15.This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
1.I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position.Be prepared for my mood.
2.You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for thefirst ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unableto deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system....You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 13 weeks.
7.I've run away to join a different circus.
8.I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this emailis forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, pleasestop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call atlogical memory address bank.Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problempersist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volumeemail to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.Wrong address, sorry !
15.This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
Woman
sounds familiar?
(1）随 便 (Whatever)
男：今天 晚上咱们吃什么？ Men: What to have for dinner?
女：随便。 Women: Whatever..
男：吃火锅吧。 Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：不行，吃火锅脸上要长痘痘。Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
男：要不咱们吃川菜。Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：昨天刚吃的川菜，今天又吃 ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
男：那咱们吃海鲜去？ Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：海鲜不好，吃了拉肚子。 Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
男：那你说吃什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：随便。Women : Whatever..
(2）都行 (Anything)
男：那咱们现在到底做什么？ Men: So what should we do now?
女：都行。Women: Anything
男：看电影怎么样？很久没看电影了。 Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：电影有啥好看的，耽误时间。 Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only.
男：那打保龄球，运动运动？ Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：大热天的运什么动啊，不嫌累啊？ Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
男：那找个咖啡店坐坐，喝点水。Men: Then find a café and have drink
女：喝咖啡影响睡眠。 Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
男：那你说干什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：都行！ Women: Anything
(3）看你 (You decide)
男：那咱们干脆回家好了。Men: Then we just go home lo
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：坐公车吧，我送你。 Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
女：公车又脏又挤，算了吧。 Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
男：那就打车走。 Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女：这么近的路不划算。 Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
男：那走路好了，散散步？ Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：空着肚子散哪门子步啊？ Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
男：那你想怎么着啊？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：那就先吃饭？ Men: Let's have dinner first
女：随便。 Women: Whatever...
男：吃什么？ Men: Eat what?
女：都行 Women: Anyting（看看四下无人，杀了她...... ） (Look around... no one here, gonna kill her....)
(1）随 便 (Whatever)
男：今天 晚上咱们吃什么？ Men: What to have for dinner?
女：随便。 Women: Whatever..
男：吃火锅吧。 Men: Why not we have steamboat?
女：不行，吃火锅脸上要长痘痘。Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
男：要不咱们吃川菜。Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
女：昨天刚吃的川菜，今天又吃 ....... Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
男：那咱们吃海鲜去？ Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
女：海鲜不好，吃了拉肚子。 Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
男：那你说吃什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：随便。Women : Whatever..
(2）都行 (Anything)
男：那咱们现在到底做什么？ Men: So what should we do now?
女：都行。Women: Anything
男：看电影怎么样？很久没看电影了。 Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
女：电影有啥好看的，耽误时间。 Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only.
男：那打保龄球，运动运动？ Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
女：大热天的运什么动啊，不嫌累啊？ Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
男：那找个咖啡店坐坐，喝点水。Men: Then find a café and have drink
女：喝咖啡影响睡眠。 Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
男：那你说干什么？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：都行！ Women: Anything
(3）看你 (You decide)
男：那咱们干脆回家好了。Men: Then we just go home lo
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：坐公车吧，我送你。 Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
女：公车又脏又挤，算了吧。 Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
男：那就打车走。 Men: Ok we will take Taxi
女：这么近的路不划算。 Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
男：那走路好了，散散步？ Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
女：空着肚子散哪门子步啊？ Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
男：那你想怎么着啊？ Men: Then what you suggest?
女：看你。 Women: You decide
男：那就先吃饭？ Men: Let's have dinner first
女：随便。 Women: Whatever...
男：吃什么？ Men: Eat what?
女：都行 Women: Anyting（看看四下无人，杀了她...... ） (Look around... no one here, gonna kill her....)
Molly the Camel
A new Army Captain was assigned to a platoon in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the platoon, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain started having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asked the Sargeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, dropped his trousers and had wild, insane XXX with the camel.
When he was done, he asked the Sergeant: "Is that how the men do it?" "No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are......... ......... ......... ......... .."
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain started having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asked the Sargeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, dropped his trousers and had wild, insane XXX with the camel.
When he was done, he asked the Sergeant: "Is that how the men do it?" "No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are......... ......... ......... ......... .."
Three Minutes Management Course
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing upher shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in atowel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, thenext-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 todrop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel andstands naked in front of Bob.After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back upin the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, herhusband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' shereplies.'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to creditand risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
==========================================================
Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. Aftercontrolling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changinggears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but theflesh is weak.' riving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On hisarrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Goforth and seek - further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might missa profitable opportunity.
==========================================================
Lesson 3: A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.''Me first! Me first!' says the administration clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff!She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I wantthose two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
==========================================================
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A smallrabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and donothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on theground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumpedon the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sittingvery, very high up.
==========================================================
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to getto the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull,'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, andfound it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of thetree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the secondbranch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at thetop of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out ofthe tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
=========================================================
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold thebird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lyingthere, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird laythere in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dungwas actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came toinvestigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pileof cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep your mouth shut!
Thus ends the 3-minute management course. Now go forth and succeed!!!!!
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to creditand risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
==========================================================
Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. Aftercontrolling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changinggears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but theflesh is weak.' riving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On hisarrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Goforth and seek - further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might missa profitable opportunity.
==========================================================
Lesson 3: A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.''Me first! Me first!' says the administration clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff!She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I wantthose two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
==========================================================
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A smallrabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and donothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on theground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumpedon the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sittingvery, very high up.
==========================================================
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to getto the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.''Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull,'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, andfound it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of thetree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the secondbranch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at thetop of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out ofthe tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
=========================================================
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold thebird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lyingthere, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird laythere in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dungwas actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came toinvestigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pileof cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep your mouth shut!
Thus ends the 3-minute management course. Now go forth and succeed!!!!!
Nine Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I knowwhere my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch whenI ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room forthe T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change thechannel manually.
3.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damnright! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4.When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people dothis? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, Ipaid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, thenthere has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then theremust have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damnthing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room forthe T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change thechannel manually.
3.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damnright! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4.When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people dothis? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, Ipaid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, thenthere has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then theremust have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damnthing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Positive Side of Life
1) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
2) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
3) Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
4) Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
5) Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
6) If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
7) You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
8) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
9) Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
10) We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
11) A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
12) Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
2) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
3) Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
4) Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
5) Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
6) If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
7) You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
8) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
9) Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
10) We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
11) A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
12) Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
Lessons In Logic
If your father is a poor man,it is your fate but,if your father-in-law is a poor man,it's your stupidity
I was born intelligent -education ruined me
Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak...
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a womanAnd behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
Every man should marry.After all, happiness is not the only thing inlife.
The wise never marry.and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep.
There should be a better way to start a dayThan waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody"But why take the risk.
"Work fascinates me"I can look at it for hours.
God made relatives;Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.A train station is where a train stops.On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........
I was born intelligent -education ruined me
Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others,then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,people appear bright until you hear them speak...
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything.There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a womanAnd behind every unsuccessful man, there are two
Every man should marry.After all, happiness is not the only thing inlife.
The wise never marry.and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams"So go to sleep.
There should be a better way to start a dayThan waking up every morning.
"Hard work never killed anybody"But why take the risk.
"Work fascinates me"I can look at it for hours.
God made relatives;Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.A train station is where a train stops.On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........
Alert for Men
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages
Smart Little Indian Boy
This is a great story about a smart little Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me Death' ?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me Death' ?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."
25 Words of Wisdom
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
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