Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $ 100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $ 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before a greeing to it and getting screwed!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
ECONOMICS : THE COW FACTOR
SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM : You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your bumiputra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull and multiply your herd. The State takes 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and gives them to your bumiputra neighbour. Your bumiputra neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.
UMNOPUTRAISM : The State takes 30 per cent of your herd and parks them in
MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turn around the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.
Recipe for Everyone
How to Make Love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to fur-lined mixing b owl , working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers .
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nu ts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight though).
6. Love is complete when banana is soft.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to fur-lined mixing b owl , working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers .
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nu ts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight though).
6. Love is complete when banana is soft.
If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.Notes:
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Friday, May 2, 2008
After 6 weeks....6 months....6 years
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
Diary of a man
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Everytime you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.
6. Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
17. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
18. Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
19. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Everytime you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.
6. Panties not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
17. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
18. Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
19. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives !!!
Great One Liners
1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
-- author unknown --
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. 6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
-- author unknown --
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