Health Messege
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postmen would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water.. and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops.. and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise does not run nor do anything... yet lives for 450 years.
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE !!!!
Have a wonderful day!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Naughty Quickies
In life, never look down on anybody, unless u are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!
Whatever you see a woman and an opportunity, dont screw the opportunity.
Define contraceptive pills?
It is the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
Man tease his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude, how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband : Not bad, after the first 3 inches, she was brand new.
What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...
The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentences them to 'Hang till death'.
A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day, a headline reads "Team to play without Dicks"
The team manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline.
It reads "Team to play with Dicks out"
What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady and says : Pleased to meet you.
Lady : Yeah, I can see that.
Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy : Dude, I found a condom on the balcony.
Four year old boy : What's a balcony?
What advice does the doctor give to a sick prostitutes?
Stay out of bed for two days.
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "my handsshake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him, "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shakes so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells : That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband : Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife : Because I thought he was you, until he started the second time.
Prostitute : Hi, want to have sex?
Santa : Ok, but only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute : I can do it any way. So how does she do it?
Santa : She does it for free.
Doctor : Your knees are all blistered?
Lady : Cause of the doggy style!
Doctor : Cant you do it any other style?
Lady : Oh, I can. But the dog cant!
Whatever you see a woman and an opportunity, dont screw the opportunity.
Define contraceptive pills?
It is the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.
Man tease his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude, how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband : Not bad, after the first 3 inches, she was brand new.
What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...
The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentences them to 'Hang till death'.
A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day, a headline reads "Team to play without Dicks"
The team manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline.
It reads "Team to play with Dicks out"
What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady and says : Pleased to meet you.
Lady : Yeah, I can see that.
Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy : Dude, I found a condom on the balcony.
Four year old boy : What's a balcony?
What advice does the doctor give to a sick prostitutes?
Stay out of bed for two days.
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "my handsshake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him, "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shakes so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells : That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband : Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife : Because I thought he was you, until he started the second time.
Prostitute : Hi, want to have sex?
Santa : Ok, but only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute : I can do it any way. So how does she do it?
Santa : She does it for free.
Doctor : Your knees are all blistered?
Lady : Cause of the doggy style!
Doctor : Cant you do it any other style?
Lady : Oh, I can. But the dog cant!
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your life seems almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some item in front of him
when the class began, wordlessly
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceed to fill it up with golf balls.
He then asked his students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shoke the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They again agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sanf and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more, if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under his table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling up any empty spaces in the jar.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, friends, health and favorite passions - that that if everthing else was lost, and only they remainded, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matters like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else - the small stuff."
"If you out the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there will not be room for the pebbles of the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If your spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness,
play with your children
tale time to get medical checkups
take your partner out for dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand"
One of the student raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked.
"It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with your friends"
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some item in front of him
when the class began, wordlessly
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceed to fill it up with golf balls.
He then asked his students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shoke the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They again agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sanf and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more, if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under his table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling up any empty spaces in the jar.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, friends, health and favorite passions - that that if everthing else was lost, and only they remainded, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matters like your job, house, and car.
The sand is everything else - the small stuff."
"If you out the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there will not be room for the pebbles of the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If your spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness,
play with your children
tale time to get medical checkups
take your partner out for dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand"
One of the student raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked.
"It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with your friends"
Moral of the Story
The parts of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain ..... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood ..... I should be charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach ..... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs .... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes ..... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole ..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other body parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his points, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 ..... Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 ..... Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 ..... Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 ..... Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 ..... Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 ..... The other body parts agreed to let the asshole be in charge
MORAL OF THE STORY
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE,
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain ..... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood ..... I should be charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach ..... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs .... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes ..... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole ..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other body parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his points, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 ..... Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 ..... Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 ..... Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 ..... Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 ..... Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 ..... The other body parts agreed to let the asshole be in charge
MORAL OF THE STORY
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE,
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Bolehland
A farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you givemea calf?"
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPad, connects it to his CingularRAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exportsit to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone 4 that the image has been processed and the data is stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone 4 and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno," says the farmer.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are,and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you givemea calf?"
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his iPad, connects it to his CingularRAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exportsit to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone 4 that the image has been processed and the data is stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone 4 and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on hishi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno," says the farmer.
"Wow! That's correct," exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno's Wow Factor, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are,and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Present for husband
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'
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