Marriage Humour

Husband texts to wife on cell, "Hi, what are you doing Darling?
Wife: I'm dying
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without you?"
Wife: "You idiot! I'm dying my hair !"
Husband muttered : " Bloody English language"
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An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you ?"
Husband: Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell In love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, "Baby, it'll be yours one day?
Wife (with a smile & blushing) : Yeah, I remember that my love!
Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop.
Wife slapped phone.
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An airline introduced a special package for businessmen.
Buy Your Ticket Get Your Wife's Ticket Free.
After great success; the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply,"Which Trip?"
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Husband was seriously ill
Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in good mood, don't discuss your problems, no TV, don't demand new clothes & gold jewels. Do this for one year and he will be OK. On the way home..
Husband: What did the doc say?
Wife: No chance for you to survive
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What is an intelligent wife ?
''An Intelligent wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman"
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To surprise her husband Woman buys a new SIM Card and puts it In her phone and decides to surprise her husband who Is seated on the couch In the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back"
Later the husband called back the number, "OK honey, the dumb lady is in the kitchen"
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A Wife treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday...

At the Club : Doorman says: "Hi Jim how are you?"
Wife asks: "How does he knows you?"
Jim says: "I play football with him "

Inside :Barman says: "The usual Jim?"
Jim quickly says to Wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team in my local."
Next :A lap dancer says: "Hi Jim! Do you crave Special again?

The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi.
Driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy, You picked up an ugly one this time !"
Jim's funeral is on Sunday
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Cool message by a wife: "Dear mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
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A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came and asked,"What happened son?"
Kid said, "I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own."
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At an African Safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: "Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: "Yes...Yes... I'm changing the battery of my camera"

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Husband was throwing knives on wife's picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "Missing You !"
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When a married man says, "I'll think about it", What he really means is that, he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet !
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A lady to doctor, "My husband has the habit of talking in sleep! What should I give him to cure?" Doctor, "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awakes"
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Having a WIFE Is A Part Of Living But having a GIRLFRIEND along with The WIFE Is Art Of Living.
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It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the neck of the family & the neck can turn the head exactly the way she wants.
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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and No."
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What is the Difference between Mother & Wife? One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
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Husband asks: "Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means... Without Information Fighting Everytime !
WIFE says: "No darling, it means With Idiot For Ever "

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Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day."
Husband: "I too wish that you was a newspaper so I could have a new one every day."
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HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE
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What's the similarity between chewing gum & wife ? Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless in the end.
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Wife running after a garbage truck, "Am I too late for the garbage? !"Hubby following her yelled, "Not Yet ! Jump In Fast. !!!"
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A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled, "How would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldnt believe his luck: 'That would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!"
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
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What is the Difference between Friend and Wife You can tell your friend, "You're my Best Friend"
But do you have the courage tell to your wife, "You're my Best Wife?"
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Husband to a newly wed wife: "I could go to the end of the world for you."
Wife: "Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life."
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Judge: "Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?"
Man: "Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week."
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Doctor: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."
Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?"
Doctor: "They are for you !!!"