WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-p! pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25! minutes .

No wonder men are happier.

Chopping The Cherry Tree

Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped down a cherry tree in his youth. George gives the tree a good swing and chops it down with an axe .. His father sees the damaged tree and asks his son if he knows who did the deed. George is quoted bravely admitting the truth :-

'I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I did cut it with my axe.'


This is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the question :-

PM Badawi - I did not cut down the tree, I was just taking a nap underneath it.

Najib - I swear that I have never MET that tree.

Hishamuddin- ... but I only own a keris, not axe, how to cut down the tree.

Dr.M - Apa nama cherry tree, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak lah sleeping under it.

Chua Soi Lek - Yes it was me, I resign as caretaker of this orchard.

VK Lingam - It could be me, it might have been me but I don't think it’s me.

Anwar Ibrahim - I DID NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA samples for you to plant on the axe handle.

Khir Toyo - the new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.

Ahmad Said ( Terenganu MB )- I chopped it because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.

Azalina Othman - The cherry tree is not included under my tourism MOU so I cut it down. Besides there were unauthorized signboards put up around the tree.

Shabery Cheek - I challenge you to a debate on tree cutting.

Samy Velu - I chopped it because HINDRAF members were using it as a meeting point.

Ali Rustam - We have planted Durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years, we do not need cheery trees, apple trees, pear trees and all these other foreign trees.

Rais Yatim - you must see the bigger picture, Ahmad said cherry trees are expensive to maintain, Ali Rustam said that are against our national identity and I needed to test my new axe, so you see- it’s a WIN-WIN situation all around.

Sharir Samad - I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidize it.

Karpal Singh - The bigfoot creature did it.

Bung Mokhtar - The big monkey did it.

Pandikar Amin Mulia - There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry trees, Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.sit down.

Khairy Jamaluddin - I did not do it, neither did the mat rempits. By the way, what's a cherry tree?

Lim Kit Siang - In response to Khairy - cherry tree also you don't know, you are an insult to Oxford .

Nazri Aziz - racist, racist, racist, when we cut down durian trees nobody made a fuss.

Lawatan ke Kandang Lembu

Saya dan isteri telah pergi melawat ke satu ladang lembu dan kami berhenti di setiap kandang tempat lembu lembu di biak.

Kami sampai di kandang pertama dan ada satu papan tanda yang di letakkan yang menyatakan, LEMBU JANTAN INI TELAH MENGAWAN SEBANYAK 50 KALI TAHUN LEPAS.

Isteri saya secara jenaka mencuit saya dan dalam senyum berkata : 'Dia mengawan 50 kali tahun lepas.'


Kami kemudian pergi ke kandang kedua yang ada papan tanda berikut : ''LEMBU JANTAN INI TELAH MENGAWAN SEBANYAK 150 KALI TAHUN LEPAS '

Sekali lagi isteri saya mencuit saya dan berkata :, 'WOW~~Itu dah lebih dari dua kali seminggu..........Abang boleh belajar banyak dari dia .'


Kami berjalan pula ke kandang seterusnya dan di situ ada papan tanda dalam huruf besar yang menyatakan : 'LEMBU JANTAN INI TELAH MENGAWAN SEBANYAK 365 KALI TAHUN LEPAS'

Isteri saya menjadi girang dan mencuit saya dengan kuat dan berkata :
'Itu bermakna sekali setiap hari .... Abang MEMANG boleh belajar banyak dari lembu jantan ini " !!!

Saya pun pandang isteri saya dan berkata kepada nya,"
'Awak pergi tanya lembu jantan ini, selama 365 hari itu, adakah dengan LEMBU BETINA TUA YANG SAMA ??

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, deodorant and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

NEW BUDGET AIRLINES RULES

Budget airlines with ‘no-frills’ may come to this stage one day!

Attendant: Welcome aboard ‘Ala Carte Air’, Sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be RM5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to 'Sit'.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of RM5. It's the Airline's new Policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be RM10, please.

Passenger: What?!

Attendant: The airline now charges a RM10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion! I won't stand for it!

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that RM10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the Air Marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to 'shoot’ me?

Attendant: No, but there's a RM50 Air-Marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right! Here, take the RM10. I can't believe this!

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, Sir. Just insert three 20 sen coins into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?!

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 60 sen.

Passenger: I don't have any coins. Can you make change for a ringgit?

Attendant: Certainly, Sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only one 20 sen coin for my ringgit.

Attendant: Yes, there's a 'change making fee' of 20 sen.

Passenger: For crying out loud! All I have left is 20 sen? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

What they don't teach you in Business School ..........

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $ 100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $ 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before a greeing to it and getting screwed!

ECONOMICS : THE COW FACTOR

SOCIALISM : You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM : You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM : You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM : You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your bumiputra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the remaining cow you buy a bull and multiply your herd. The State takes 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and gives them to your bumiputra neighbour. Your bumiputra neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.

UMNOPUTRAISM : The State takes 30 per cent of your herd and parks them in Switzerland in the name of some UMNO official or close relatives, friends and sons-in-law.

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turn around the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to Japan .

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION : You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION : You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION : You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION : You have two cows. Both are mad.