The parts of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain ..... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood ..... I should be charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach ..... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs .... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes ..... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole ..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other body parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his points, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 ..... Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 ..... Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 ..... Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 ..... Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 ..... Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 ..... The other body parts agreed to let the asshole be in charge
MORAL OF THE STORY
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE,
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE.
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Office. Show all posts
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Life Reality
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
What they don't teach you in Business School ..........
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $ 100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $ 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before a greeing to it and getting screwed!
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before a greeing to it and getting screwed!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Office Lesson
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
************************************************
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"
Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.
*****************************************************
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
*********************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, " VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool
of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.
********************************************************
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson V - "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
************************************************
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says.
"I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?"
Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.
*****************************************************
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?"
Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
*********************************
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, " VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool
of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen.
********************************************************
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson V - "Always allow the bosses to speak first"
*********************************************
Best out of Office Auto Replies
Ttry using one of these the next time you are out of office
1.I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position.Be prepared for my mood.
2.You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for thefirst ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unableto deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system....You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 13 weeks.
7.I've run away to join a different circus.
8.I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this emailis forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, pleasestop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call atlogical memory address bank.Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problempersist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volumeemail to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.Wrong address, sorry !
15.This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
1.I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail toget the position.Be prepared for my mood.
2.You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3.I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send meuntil I return from holiday on 4 April.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received.
4.Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5..99 for thefirst ten Words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5.The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unableto deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6.Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system....You are Currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 13 weeks.
7.I've run away to join a different circus.
8.I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons....When I return, Please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
9.Due to inappropriate contents in your email, please notice that this emailis forwarded to the nearest police station.
10.This message will explode in 5 seconds... Good luck, Mr. Hunt...
11.How many times should I tell you ??? I received your mail already, pleasestop sending this mail. It is 435 times already !!!
12.Mail server is not responding. The function cause illegal function call atlogical memory address bank.Please restart your computer and try to resend the mail. If the problempersist, please contact your email database administrator.
13.Thank you for sending me an email. Currently I am experiencing high volumeemail to be answered. Please try to send back later.
14.Wrong address, sorry !
15.This email is rejected due to missing stamps.
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