Perhatian..

Shoes

Marriage Humour

Husband texts to wife on cell, "Hi, what are you doing Darling?
Wife: I'm dying
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without you?"
Wife: "You idiot! I'm dying my hair !"
Husband muttered : " Bloody English language"
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An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you ?"
Husband: Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell In love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, "Baby, it'll be yours one day?
Wife (with a smile & blushing) : Yeah, I remember that my love!
Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop.
Wife slapped phone.
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An airline introduced a special package for businessmen.
Buy Your Ticket Get Your Wife's Ticket Free.
After great success; the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply,"Which Trip?"
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Husband was seriously ill
Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in good mood, don't discuss your problems, no TV, don't demand new clothes & gold jewels. Do this for one year and he will be OK. On the way home..
Husband: What did the doc say?
Wife: No chance for you to survive
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What is an intelligent wife ?
''An Intelligent wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman"
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To surprise her husband Woman buys a new SIM Card and puts it In her phone and decides to surprise her husband who Is seated on the couch In the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling"
The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back"
Later the husband called back the number, "OK honey, the dumb lady is in the kitchen"
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A Wife treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday...

At the Club : Doorman says: "Hi Jim how are you?"
Wife asks: "How does he knows you?"
Jim says: "I play football with him "

Inside :Barman says: "The usual Jim?"
Jim quickly says to Wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team in my local."
Next :A lap dancer says: "Hi Jim! Do you crave Special again?

The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi.
Driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy, You picked up an ugly one this time !"
Jim's funeral is on Sunday
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Cool message by a wife: "Dear mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
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A kid was beaten by his mom. Dad came and asked,"What happened son?"
Kid said, "I can't adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own."
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At an African Safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
Wife: "Shoot him! Shoot him!
Santa: "Yes...Yes... I'm changing the battery of my camera"

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Husband was throwing knives on wife's picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "Missing You !"
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When a married man says, "I'll think about it", What he really means is that, he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet !
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A lady to doctor, "My husband has the habit of talking in sleep! What should I give him to cure?" Doctor, "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awakes"
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Having a WIFE Is A Part Of Living But having a GIRLFRIEND along with The WIFE Is Art Of Living.
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It is said that Husband is the head of the family, but remember that wife is the neck of the family & the neck can turn the head exactly the way she wants.
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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and No."
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What is the Difference between Mother & Wife? One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
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Husband asks: "Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means... Without Information Fighting Everytime !
WIFE says: "No darling, it means With Idiot For Ever "

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Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day."
Husband: "I too wish that you was a newspaper so I could have a new one every day."
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HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always Keep a SPARE TYRE
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What's the similarity between chewing gum & wife ? Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless in the end.
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Wife running after a garbage truck, "Am I too late for the garbage? !"Hubby following her yelled, "Not Yet ! Jump In Fast. !!!"
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A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled, "How would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldnt believe his luck: 'That would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
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Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!"
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
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What is the Difference between Friend and Wife You can tell your friend, "You're my Best Friend"
But do you have the courage tell to your wife, "You're my Best Wife?"
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Husband to a newly wed wife: "I could go to the end of the world for you."
Wife: "Thanks, but promise me you will stay there for the rest of your life."
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Judge: "Why did you shoot your wife instead of shooting her lover?"
Man: "Your honor, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week."
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Doctor: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."
Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?"
Doctor: "They are for you !!!"

Naughty Quickies

In life, never look down on anybody, unless u r getting a lovely view of the Cleavage!


Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw the opportunity!


Define contraceptive pill? It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy.


Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.


What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...


A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline.
It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.


What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!


On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet U!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.


Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.
Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?


What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes? Stay out of BED for two days.


Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."


A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.


Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.


Doctor: Ur knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Cant u do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't

Honest Mistake

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add an "e" at the end of a word.

"im having such a wonderful time! wish u were her"

Naughty Quickies

In life, never look down on anybody, unless u are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!

Whatever you see a woman and an opportunity, dont screw the opportunity.

Define contraceptive pills?
It is the second best thing that a woman can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

Man tease his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude, how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband : Not bad, after the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

What is the similarity between doing sex and doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...

The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentences them to 'Hang till death'.

A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day, a headline reads "Team to play without Dicks"
The team manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline.
It reads "Team to play with Dicks out"

What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job!!

On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady and says : Pleased to meet you.
Lady : Yeah, I can see that.


Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy : Dude, I found a condom on the balcony.
Four year old boy : What's a balcony?

What advice does the doctor give to a sick prostitutes?
Stay out of bed for two days.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "my handsshake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him, "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shakes so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells : That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband : Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife : Because I thought he was you, until he started the second time.

Prostitute : Hi, want to have sex?
Santa : Ok, but only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute : I can do it any way. So how does she do it?
Santa : She does it for free.

Doctor : Your knees are all blistered?
Lady : Cause of the doggy style!
Doctor : Cant you do it any other style?
Lady : Oh, I can. But the dog cant!

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seems almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some item in front of him
when the class began, wordlessly
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceed to fill it up with golf balls.

He then asked his students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shoke the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They again agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sanf and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more, if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under his table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling up any empty spaces in the jar.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, friends, health and favorite passions - that that if everthing else was lost, and only they remainded, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matters like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you out the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there will not be room for the pebbles of the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If your spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness,
play with your children
tale time to get medical checkups
take your partner out for dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand"

One of the student raised her hand and asked what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
"I'm glad you asked.

"It just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with your friends"

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Present for husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!' The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl !!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!'

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test : Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Married Too Long

Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress--- are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather bras, stiletto heels, and masks for their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.


The engaged woman says:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, "you are the woman of my life. I love you". Then we made love all night long.


The mistress says:
I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word -- but we had wild sex all night.


The married woman says:
I sent the kids to my mother's house all excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came to the door and saw me and said, "What's for dinner, BATMAN

The Old Motor

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!'

Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.

He asked "What"??????

She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died. "

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears...'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name 'Jenny' on it that I found in your pant pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week 'Jenny' was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Happy Mothers Day

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment or
the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

Beer Contains Female Hormones

This indeed is worrisome ..

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones ( hops contains Phytoestrogens ) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

This indeed is worrisome .

The Prefect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

RED SKELTON

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed,
I wrote your name in air,
it was blown away,
Then I wrote your name on my heart,
And I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza,
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi,
He saw me in dark, he created light,
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful,
The grass and flowers too,
If rain makes all things beautiful,
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo,
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too,
Not in cage but laughing at you.

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

MEN!!

From a feminist spinster friend.....

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders . You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.