In life, never look down on anybody, unless u r getting a lovely view of the Cleavage!
Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw the opportunity!
Define contraceptive pill? It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy.
Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.
What is d similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument...
A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the Headline.
It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.
What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
On a nude beach, a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet U!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that.
Today's generation:
Six year old boy to a four year old boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.
Four year old boy: What's a balcony ?
What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes? Stay out of BED for two days.
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window..
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.
Doctor: Ur knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Cant u do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Honest Mistake
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add an "e" at the end of a word.
"im having such a wonderful time! wish u were her"
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add an "e" at the end of a word.
"im having such a wonderful time! wish u were her"
Jokes Again
A says to P: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
P says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P says to M - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
M asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
P replies - I'm gunna take her with me!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue .
He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts up , - I'm P, a rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya.
A girl jumps out and P catches her, a guy jumps and P gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and P lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up. Come on now folks, there's no point throwing down the burnt ones!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
P says to M, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....
M says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
P & M find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
M: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
P: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
P is in the bathroom and M shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
P says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
P says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P says to M - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
M asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
P replies - I'm gunna take her with me!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue .
He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts up , - I'm P, a rugby player, jump and I'll catch ya.
A girl jumps out and P catches her, a guy jumps and P gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and P lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up. Come on now folks, there's no point throwing down the burnt ones!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
P says to M, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"....
M says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
P & M find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
M: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
P: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
P is in the bathroom and M shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
P says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Jokes Again
Signal for sex
Man marries deaf girl.
He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?"
She nods and agrees.
So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"....
****************************
Smart
Tom ask hooker how much for sex?
She says: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa and $10 on grass.
He then hands her $50.
She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?"
He says: "NO!! 5 times on grass...."
****************************
New drink from Malaysia
The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology. It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh. It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....
****************************
Expiry date
A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's breast for 1/2 hour, drinks 2 drops of her milk and dies...
Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE ...
****************************
Biology Lesson
Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.
Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.
****************************
Government job
A guy goes to interview for a Government job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now ! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
" Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that!"
Man marries deaf girl.
He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?"
She nods and agrees.
So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"....
****************************
Smart
Tom ask hooker how much for sex?
She says: $50 on bed, $20 on sofa and $10 on grass.
He then hands her $50.
She says: "You man of class, one time on bed...?"
He says: "NO!! 5 times on grass...."
****************************
New drink from Malaysia
The Malaysian government has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology. It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh. It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....
****************************
Expiry date
A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's breast for 1/2 hour, drinks 2 drops of her milk and dies...
Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE ...
****************************
Biology Lesson
Teacher: A man's penis has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.
Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.
****************************
Government job
A guy goes to interview for a Government job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now ! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
" Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that!"
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